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A Texas Retort to the New York Times Opinion of What It Takes To Be a Modern Man

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A Texas Retort to the New York Times Opinion of What It Takes To Be a Modern Man

Being a modern man today is no different than it was a century ago. It’s all about adhering to principle. Sure, fashion, technology and architecture change over time, as do standards of etiquette, not to mention ways of carrying oneself in the public sphere. But the modern man will take the bits from the past that strike him as relevant and blend them with the stuff of today.

NYT: 1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.

The Texas man doesn’t buy his wife shoes without her there to pick them out. He will know the correct size and brand of her favorite boots and knows which pairs she wants. With mine that is Lucchase and all of them.
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NYT: 2. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.

The Texas man never loses his confidence. When challenged he knows that he will cowboy up and accomplish what needs to be done. The Texas man never ever uses the word swimmingly.

NYT: 3. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus.

The Texas man is also considerate and he is chivalrous. He opens the door and pulls out the chair for a lady and he never chews loud enough to have to worry about when he eats popcorn.

NYT: 4. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.

The Texas man views properly done steak as a right not a privilege. If it is not cooked properly then there is no need to eat it. A Texas man never orders a steak well done.Art Prints

NYT: 5. The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines.

A Texas man parks wherever his truck will fit but he does consider parking near the exit so he doesn’t get caught behind fifteen thousand other people when the high school football game ends.

NYT: 6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.

A Texas man teaches his children to be self reliant and does not charge anything for them.

NYT: 7. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.

The Texas man drinks whatever he darn well pleases. He will keep Dr Pepper and Shiner Bock on hand though as one of the two will likely satiate any other thirsty Texans that happen to drop by.
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NYT: 8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.

The Texas man uses whatever vernacular is used in the part of the Republic he is from or is in at the time. He does not use the term gauche simpleton though he has been know to use the term %$#@ Yankee.

NYT: 9. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.

The Texas man appreciates and loves his kids but has no need for any other human to complete him. A good dog is a different story though.

NYT: 10. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.

The Texas man will do the dishes when he does the cooking. If he cooks it is either slow smoked or grilled meat. Smoked meat is served on butcher paper and cleanup means throwing it away. Grilled meat if not served on paper plate will be placed in the dishwasher after the dogs have
prewashed" them.

NYT: 11. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will.

Most Texas men have no idea what either of these are so I guess we have that in common with the New York modern man.

NYT: 12. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out.

The Texas man will use whatever bar of soap his wife bought or whatever brand they had in the last motel he stayed in comped him.

NYT: 13. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.

The Texas man has to Google who Wu Tang is but knows without even having to hear to one of their songs to know he will never listen to Wu Tang.

NYT: 14. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone.

The Texas man needs no list at all and is in and out of the grocery store in no more than ten minutes.

NYT: 15. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords.

The Texas man appreciates the sound of Tony Lamas or Luccheses make on a hardwood floor but knows there are other acceptable floorings. He has no idea who Kenneth Cole is and most certainly wouldn’t wear another man’s shoes. His kids certainly do not need to hear his footsteps to judge his mood.

NYT: 16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.

The Texas man lets his wife sleep on whatever side of the bed she likes. IF an intruder ignores the signs, gets past the dogs and to the bedroom door a Texas man will not TRY and fight anyone off. He WILL neutralize the threat with the appropriate amount of force trying not to wake his wife up in the process. He knows if he wife does wake up he should stay clear of her line of fire as she knows how to shoot her 357 magnum as well as he can shoot his 45.

NYT: 17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?

The Texas man doesn’t know what a melon baller is and for that matter isn’t sure what Honeydew is either. Balls are for cowboys, roughnecks and bulls not for fruit.

NYT: 18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.

The Texas man has never had to contemplate buying a shoehorn but has bought enough boot jacks to have one at any location he might need one.

NYT: 19. The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry.

The Texas man takes his wife on a week long trip to see the bluebonnets as store bought bouquets do not compare.

NYT: 20. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield.

No, just NO. The Texas man may at times actually feel down and vulnerable but it is nothing a Shiner Bock and back rub from his wife won’t fix.

NYT: 21. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere.

A Texas man couldn’t care less about the pieces as the dogs will clean them up. He would laugh with his daughter about the sneeze but might have a talk to her about why she was eating an apple donut in the first place and donut is how it is spelled on every donut place in Texas.

NYT: 22. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.

The Texas man does not amble nor does he ever leave the house half-dressed. For many Texas men the distance between the front porch and the road is longer than a city block in New York City and he is more likely to take an ATV than to walk.

NYT: 23. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time).

A Texas man doesn’t mind Michael Mann but is far more likely to have Clint Eastwood movies around and only uses the term “films” to describe something he doesn’t care to see. He will play them on whatever type player he has until that one wears out.

NYT: 24. The modern man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it.

A Texas man stays prepared and will keep his phone battery as charged as it needs to be to take care of his business concerns.

NYT: 25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.

The Texas man owns as many guns as he has uses for a gun. He will have at least one for general purposes and then one for each specific need he has. He will likely have at least one lever action. Mine is 45-70 government for wild boar, buffalo and the occasional rouge elephant. He will have other guns and calibers for each purpose he needs one for. He pities the “Modern” New York man that has to rely on others for their own protection and safety. He might even have one with a suppressor. (See number 16.)
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NYT: 26. The modern man cries. He cries often.

While the Texas man can cry when he needs to it isn’t often as luckily it isn’t often that one’s wife, dog or mama passes.

NYT: 27. People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic.

The Texas man never uses the term my jam unless he has made some from wild plums. Every Texas woman has a pretty good idea of which Texas men can dance just from the way they carry themselves when they walk into the honkytonk. It is confirmed as soon as a George Strait or Dwight Yokam song comes on.

While the New York Times didn't mention this a Texas man doesn't have a jacked up truck unless he needs a jacked up truck to get off the main road for business or leisure. He does not drive one just because it looks cool.